Month Three

I am so happy to be feeling good! I am loving pregnancy and am really excited for everything. I have a good little round belly already, I don't ever get sick anymore and I have all my energy. I have been reading like crazy lately. I have become completely obsessed with pregnancy books and am just about finished with Birthing From Within. It is really fantastic. It was written by a midwife and if you are even remotely interested in natural child birth it is a must have. It is actually one of the main reasons I decided to look into Birth Centers. I know, I know. Everytime I bring this up everyone thinks I'm crazy. Your NOT going to have your baby in a hospital?? Your NOT going to have any pain medication?? No and no. It's not like I had a bad birth in the hospital last time. It was actually pretty good. I really loved my midwife, I was only at the hospital for like five or six hours before I had James, and James was healthy, no real complications. But there were things that bugged me about his birth. There were a few hiccups that I just figured were a rare instance, just something that had to happen. But as I began reading I found out that the annoying things that happened to me weren't so rare. They were actually kind of "routine".

I read that ninety percent of women who have a doctor attending their births end up getting an episiotomy. That's a lot. I didn't originally plan to have a doctor at my birth but they started having problems with the fetal monitor and so they had to call her in. She was really rude and changed the whole atmosphere of my birth. What happened was they thought that James' heart rate was dropping but it turned out that the thing just ran out of batteries. Fluke? Kind of annoying. Turns out a lot of women have been wearing the monitor and it shorts out or runs out of batteries and then everyone freaks out thinking the baby is having fetal stress. And since the doctor was already here I guess she just decided to deliver the baby. She kept saying Push LADY Push. That was so annoying. She could have just said push and I would have known who she was talking too. I could tell she really talked down to my midwife and thought she was superior to her which I thought was annoying too. And then, without even asking me or telling me they gave me an episiotomy and used the vaccum to help get my baby out. That is part of the reason why I didn't want to have an epidural in the first place. Using the suction or forceps can give your baby brain damage. And it always mishapes their head which does eventually go back. But it bothered me. I am the patiet. I could have gotten my baby out on my own. Why didn't they let me. If I was going to rip and they wanted to save me the damage that would be one thing but that wasn't the case.

Anways, everything turned out fine. The healing time was longer than normal but other than that I was fine and I fully intended until recently that I would go back to my same midwife and just hope the same issues wouldn't arise again. But as I kept reading and researching I realized that these things happen all too often. I had a couple cousins go to a birth center and birth centers philosophy is "birth is normal, intervention is dangerous" how true. Women have been giving birth without any kind of pain medication up until the 1800's. Up until the mid 1900's people still did without. Over half still had their babies at home. That wasn't that long ago. So why was it safe back then before people had basic hygeine sense but now it's so unsafe? Probably because it's not unsafe. Doctors just don't make a lot of money if you don't have your baby in the hospital. So why would they support it?

So now that I have been through labor, I know what to expect and I'm not afraid, I've decided to go somewhere that doesn't restrict me by procedure and policy and unnecisary intervention. I am so excited about it. There is this really great facility down in Salt Lake called the Birth Center and I am having my first prenatal visit there next week. They have these extensive birth classes that I'm excited to take as well. I think that I freaked Justin out at first with the idea but it turns out he is really on board as well. I am excited to be in control. I know I can do this.

Month 2

I can honestly say this pregnancy has been completely different than my first one. For one, I have lots more time (technically) but almost none of it is spent being lazy. Instead of going to school and work all day, I am chasing around a toddler with an agenda all of his own. I have decided also that because I was so busy in my first pregnancy I didn't really have time to think about how I was feeling. At least I don't remember for the first whole month being so exhausted that by mid day that I had to take a nap. Luckily James still does too. I did have cravings and that has returned. Hahaha just thinking about it makes me laugh because when a craving hits it's not like should I or shouldn't I, it's like life or death. I choose life, I am eating the dang ice cream snickers, or wendy's fries, or drinking that pepsi. Also my hormones have completely run away with me and I've decided that I am no longer responsible for any irritable outburst, crying episode or irrational upset I have. I have turned into quite the cry baby. It feels good though. Good to cry. I wasn't missing crying that's for sure, since my life has become much less dramatic, but every time I do it's like a whole hearted, body wracking cry. And then I feel great after. I feel bad for Justin because everytime I do, he thinks something is really wrong with me but I think I just need to get bad energy out. And then there is the nasea. I only had this for about three weeks last time at the end of my first trimester. Basically I've been nasious since my fifth week on. It's off and on but it's one of my least favortie symptoms. I don't remember the beginning being so hard. I feel like I'm starting to come out of a lot of the exhaustion though. I definitely have more energy. And I have tied my throwing up to my prenatal vitamins. I am always on a verge of puking for like two hours after I take my prenatal vitamin. So I have resorted to taking it before I go to bed. I am still having incredibly incredily strange dreams. Too wierd to even mention.

I had my first prenatal visit two weeks ago. It was so great. My regular midwife is out of town for all of the holidays so I met with one of the other five. It's good to meet with all of them because you never really know who will be on call when you happen to go into labor. I was lucky last time and Nancy was on call. I don't think I could have done it the first time without her. They did an ultrasound already which is crazy because at that point my baby was only the size of a grape. It's incredible what detail you can see. My baby already looks human but with a giant head. So kind of more like an alien than a human. When we first started doing the ultrasound my baby was like bouncing around. Moving all over the place. James came with me which I thought was pretty special even though I'm pretty sure he still doesn't understand that his little sibling is sitting in my belly. I have been trying to explain it to him but in the end he just thinks that our belly buttons are named baby. Maybe it will make more sense once my belly is huge and protruding.

I have only gained a couple pounds but if I'm wearing a tight shirt it's obvious that I am either pregnant or have spent a lifetime drinking beer. It's crazy to be showing even the slightest this early. Last time I just kind of looked fat until I was about five months and then it was like BAM, pregnant. Ready to have that baby, pregnant. It is slowly starting to make sense to me that before long I will have another little baby. I think it helped to see my little one on the ultrasound, moving around inside of me. Still will be a month or two before I even feel life. I can't wait for that. And since a lot of the bad symptoms are subsiding I'm feeling more excited about being pregnant until June.

50 Things I Want To Do

While sitting at the computer reading my most recent favorite blog, A Million little Things, I was inspired by her 104 in 104 post about things that she wants to do in her 104 week time period. I highly reccomend her blog. She is pretty hilarious. But I'm a tinsy less optimistic so I'm going to do 50 things (nice round number) and I want to get them done before baby number two arrives. So June 11th, not very long to do 50 things. Hopefully this will motivate me to do a bit more simply by writing down goals.

#1: Finish James Baby Blanket: I have changed it to a blanket he can appreciate now since I'm a slacker and waited 'til now to make him a blanket. Anyways, it's an I-spy. It's not going to be cute I can already tell but I think it will be nice and stimulating. 12-21-11

#2: Make a pumpking pie from scratch: I feel like I should at least learn how 10-15-11

#3: Sew some family Christmas Stockings with our names on it: I am going to make six though so that the more kids I have they can have coordinating stocking with the rest of the family's.

#4: Get James Potty Trained: I really would like to do this but it is not looking too promising at the current moment. He was doing so good and was even telling me when he needed to poop (peeing was another story) and I would give him a goodie after for being so good but then he stopped and of the sudden doesn't like the potty, oh well. I don't want to push him if he doesn't want to yet.

#5: Move James to a big boy bed: When are you even supposed to do this? 7-7-12

#6: Pick out the Water Fixtures? (sinks, tubs, showers, etc.) for the lodge. So exciting! We are really coming along with the project. We have broken ground and poured cement. We've chosen our outside textures of hardyboard, our roofing material and our rocking. The structure should be enclosed by the new year! 3-14-12

#7:Surprise Justin with a totally awesome gift that he will love for Christmas or Birthday or Valentines. I just want to do it at least once. That sounds weird that I haven't done this yet but really it's Justins fault. Either he just wants money or a giftcard, picks it out ahead of time or guess what I'm going to get him. 2-14-12

#8: Make baby #2 a baby blanket: Figure I should get a head start this time

#9: Start James 2nd scrapbook 2-20-12

#10: Organize the spare closet: That will be where baby #2's stuff goes, so this is a need 5-12-12

#11: Cut our own Christmas tree: I don't even like the look of real trees but I think it would be fun to do this once. The smell is nice too.

#12: Get Family Pictures taken: need. haven't done this since James was four months 11-24-11

#13: Go see the lights at Temple Square 12-16-11

#14: Get my Patriarcle Blessing 11-20-11

#15: Get my Temple Recomend

#16: Succesfully help Justin quit smoking 12-26-11

#17: Send out freaking Thank yous from our WEDDING!

#18: Finish a needle point project

#19: Go on an air balloon ride

#20: Attend a sporting event 1-17-12

#21: Be a sub for Santa. (whether it's just one gift for a child or a whole family sha-bang

#22: Read my camera manuel

#23 Read the Book of Mormon

#24 Read Every conference talk from previous conference before next conference

#25 Make a holiday craft for each holiday

#26 Finish the quiet book 12-21-11

#27 Go on a date to color me mine 12-10-11

#28 Go to a concert. Any concert: bell choir, symphony, local group, very expensive popular artist.10-22-12

#29 Send out Christmas Cards

#30 Go to a Spa as a couple. Whether it's for a massage or facial or I get my nails done while he gets his
feet rubbed, just whatever

#31 Throw Justin an awesome 21st birthday  4-26-12

#32 Go on a Luke Family camping/ cabin trip

#33 Switch over completely to reusable grocery bags

#34 Make Pepermint bark 12-12-11

#35 Cook a turkey

#36 Make cloth daipers for baby #2

#37 Host a Murder Mystery Party

#38 Convince one of my friends to have a baby

#39 Go on vacation

#40 Buy a nursing bra

#41 Buy one of those giant pregnancy body pillows. oh yeah 12-25-11

#42 Open an account for James College Fund

#43 Get Justin to Go to a chick flick in theatres where I cry the whole movie through cuz I'm pregnant (okay
it's really just because I'm a sucker for romance)

#44 Donate more than five dollars to a charitable cause

#45 Attend a local play 12-9-11

#46 Read a book that has no academic value or merit.

#47 Read all my pregnancy, birth and nursing books

#48 Make my Wedding Album

#49 Contribute to the family Thanksgiving dinner 11-24-11

#50 Write both of our parents a thank you letter for everything they've done for us 11-24-12

#51

Month 1

The first month of my pregnancy has passed and to be perfectly honest it hasn't really hit me yet. For two months straight getting pregnant was all I could think about. I obsessed over it, talked about it, dreamed about it so now that I am, the stress is off. Even though we actually tried this time, pregnancy (and the fact that I'm carrying someone that at their birth I'll feel I've known them forever) is as illusive as the first time. Not to say I'm not feeling any symptoms. Tender boobs, irritablilty, early preg. fatigue and HELLO frequent urination, I almost forgot about you. No sickness though yet, thankfully. Maybe I'll get lucky again. And I'm excited. Still soooo excited but for some reason it doesn't quite feel real yet. I suppose it will hit me when I first feel life, or maybe when I go in for my first prenatal visit, somtime between 8 and 12 weeks. They wont take you before then and it's suggested you go in by your 13th week. I've been walking everyday and have been trying to be as active as I have time. I want this to be a fit pregnancy. I mean I always ate really healthy through my last pregnancy but I wasn't really able to be fit between school and work. That's one thing I'm really grateful for this time. With James I went to school for seven and a half hours then worked for four to five hours. I was leaving home by eight a.m. and not getting home until after ten p.m. sometimes. I did that for a whole summer. I totally forgot about that. And surprisingly I wasn't bothered by it. Looking back I don't remember feeling sorry for myself when if I had to do that now I know I'd be complaining. I only did that for about three months but still...Then it was just school until I took some time off. I guess I'm just spoiled now. I get to stay at home and be a mom. Be crafty and cook and play little kid games. I know that in this day and age that role of motherhood is slightly looked down on. Not that we don't think mothers are great. Just that being a stay at home mom, not going on to get a masters, not pursuing a prestigious career looks a lot less glamourous. Less sophisticated. Less educated. When in all reality saying that motherhood is not prestigious, doesn't take sophistication, doesn't consist of furthered education is really laughable and makes me angry to think that people look down on such a crucial role. And yet I know some of these thoughts crossed my own mind not two years ago. Obviously my mind has been changed. I have read more meaningful books, done more important research, created more lasting memories, built stronger family bonds in the past two years than I did in the eighteen proceeding it. James is my life. He is what is important and what motivates me. I love him more than I thought my heart could handle. And I can think of no greater calling, career or cause than getting to raise him and my future children. Mothers build the future, because they raise the people who create it. I am so excited for my new little baby, to bring another person into this world. June 11th seems much too far away.

P.S. Now that I'm off my raw-raw motherhood rant I wanted to note that I don't intend to offend anyone that choose alternatives to my life choice. That was simply my appreciation and opinion in the situation and place I am in my life at the present moment.

Baby Number TWO!!!!

This has been the longest two months of my life. I kept thinking, next time we're going to start trying before we actually think we're ready because, when you're ready you just want to be pregnant now. Finding out about other pregnancies were exciting but slightly painful. Even at this young age you are filled with worries of fertility problems. After the first failed attempt I was feeling pretty bad for myself, because to be perfectly honest. I was positive I was pregnant. Looking back I suppose I just wanted to be pregnant so badly that I made myself believe I was this incredilbly intuned mother who could tell when her stomach contained an embryo smaller than the eye can see. So when my period came right on schedule I was incredibly disappointed. Then I felt selfish. I started to get mad at myself for being so impatient. Here it was only a little over a month since I had my IUD taken out and I was feeling all bad for myself. On average it takes a person a full year to concieve. A FULL YEAR! And I wasn't patient enough to wait a couple months. Nevertheless, I was still heart broken. So the following month I decided that what happened happened and I wasn't going to get my hopes up this time. I wasn't going to let myself worry or think about it, or count down the days until my next scheduled period. In fact I convinced myself the whole month that I was not pregnant. I didn't feel like it, I didn't look like it. Nothing. So I wasn't pregnant. Then for the whole week following my next period (which I wasn't keeping track of, right?) Me and Justin got along awful. Especially awful considereing how much sex we were having. My ovulating week we had sex sooo much that I was in physical pain for four or five days afterwards and even had to put a cream on. And I don't even get sore anymore, I've had a BABY! Anyways so we got along awful and Justin kept playing it off as you must be pregnant, you must be pregnant, you are emotional, depressed, naggy and tired all the time. But of course I wasn't going to let myself believe it. So the fateful day came. October 3rd. No period. I had purchased pregnancy tests for just such an occasion. You are supposed to pee on the stick for Ten second. I was worried that I wouldn't pee for the full ten seconds and it says AT LEAST ten so I peed in a cup instead. The results came slow and the lines were painfully vague. Not a dark pink plus at all but it sure was a plus. I left the test alone and decided I would try another test later but I was hopeful. One hour later I was ready to pee again.....This time the results came quick. The test DID say the results could come as fast as sixty seconds. I think mine were faster than that. There it was! A perfect pink plus! I was shaking. I was ecstatic. Nothing could ruin this day. Nothing did. I am proud to announce that my beautiful little baby number TWO is on the way. Due on June 11th. What a perfect date. So after doing a little hair today I squeezed  in every minute of research I could do on my new little sunshine. I found out that doctors actually go off  the first day of my last period for the date my baby was concieved? Weird. So in doctors terms, my baby is already four weeks old when my calculated ovulation week would place him at only two weeks old. Why couldn't they just go off of the first day of your guestimated ovulation calculation. No idea. That's how it is though. But supposedly my baby is the size of a sesame seed. My little sesame seed.

I am so happy! I don't think I'll get to sleep tonight, dreaming of what my baby will be. I cannot wait to meet my little sesame seed.

Trying to have a round two....

Justin and I have been molling over the decision on when to have baby #2 for a while. There are so many issues to discuss. Do we make enough money, would they be far apart enough in age (I read that they believe it's best to either have another baby before the first is 15 months or after they are 23 months. Before 15 because they are really too young to be jealous of the second child because to them it seems like the second child had always been there. And after 23 months because by then they believe they are stable enough with their relationships with their parents that they aren't as worried about their younger sibling.), are we ready emotionally and comfortable enough with our relationship to add another person (I didn't worry about this. Justin? A little more so). Justin is always the logical one. I think I probably would have been pregnant a long time ago if he didn't make me think about all the factors that play into it. BUT.......FINALLY.....we decided it's time.

On July 20th I went to see my midwife to get my IUD taken out. I was so excited to see her. My midwife, Nancy Moy that delivered James was still working there and I always planned to go back if she still worked there. I was actually pretty nervous to get it taken out. I started to worry that it was going to be really painful. I got my IUD in 7 weeks after I had James so I wondered if maybe why it didn't hurt was because I was all stretched out from giving birth. But come to find out, it's really only painful for people who have never had a baby. One of my best friends got one in who hadn't had a baby and she said it hurt incredibly bad. She said the doctor said that it was like giving birth but instead of pushing a baby out it was pushing it in. Why the hell would he say that?! I would have been like 'NO Thank you' right then and there. But Nancy said to me I might not even feel it come out. I still braced myself for it but then she said "Done." and I said "It's out?" She told me that 50 percent of women who get an IUD in (that haven't had babies) body's wont except it. It either pushes it out or is very painful or they can get weird cysts. Crazy. I was pretty surprised she remembered me though. I mean she delivers a lot of babies and she has been doing it so long. She told me she has been a midwife for three generations for one family. She gave birth to a mom, son and his son. She doesn't look old enough to have done that. Maybe they all had kids really young. All the worry for nothing though, painless.

But now there is much more to worry about. Taking a mulit-vitamin because you can prevent on rare kind of birth deffect by taking it. Figuring out when I'm ovulating. Oh yeah and I had my first period in like over two years. Weird, I should have been expecting it but I just haven't had one in so long. Anyways so there are Ovulation calculators, you type in the first day of your last period and it gives you a guestimation on when you will be the most fertile. It's pretty awful waiting around for those "Special" days to arrive so you can jump on it. So Justin really really really wants to have a little girl and I do to. Probably not as bad as he does though. I just feel like I will be unbelievably happy with whatever I have but I do want to have at least one girl. I need to have all the girl experiences like shopping, prom dress shopping, going to get our hair and nails done together, dance recitals. Things like that. But you are actually more likely to have a boy than a girl. For every 1,000 girls that are born 1,050 boys are born. It's said that God created us this way because the men go off to war and die. So I was reading and there is actually some scientifical studies done on how to help influence the sex of your child. Some of it talks about controlling the environment in which the baby is concieved. Like making baking powder dueches and stuff (haha) but another part of the theory is WHEN you have sex during your ovulation period. The Y chromosome which is the male bearing sperm is faster than the X chromosome, female bearing sperm, but the Y sperm actually dies faster. So it's a race really. If the Y sperm can't get to the egg in time before it dies then the X sperm will have a better chance of making it. To be very acurate at this you supposedly have to be monitor your basal temperature so you know the precise moment you are ovulating or are going to ovulate (because your temperature rises as you get to your fertile peak or something). The theory states that to try and concieve a girl you have sex 2-4 days before you ovulate. The Y sperm will not be able to live long enough to reach an egg during ovulation but the X sperm has the potential to live within yourself for a couple days. So as long as you don't have sex the 2-4 days after, right when you ovulate, there should only be the X chromosomes around to attatch to your eggs. Interesting. Anyways, so then you are trying to find the most perfect month to give birth in, because I don't really want to be huge and miserable all through the summer, because when you are pregnant, you are a walking heater, night sweats and all. And then at the same time I want a good space in between birthdays and far enough away from holidays. So much to think about. All I know is that I'm ready though. Ready to go Au Naturale! Wish me luck!

Our Anniversary Trip

Last week was our first anniversary. I can't believe it has already been a year. Pretty unreal. So to commemerate our marriage and since we didn't go on a honey moon we decided to go on a trip together. Just me and Justin. And leave James with my mom. At first we planned to go down to Zions, to do the hikes down there. Tent it out. But as it got closer we were talking to my dad about it and realized that it would probably hit around one-hundred degrees on any given day this time a year. My dad owns this nationly renowned Fly Fishers retreat called Falcons Ledge on the way up to Altamont. There is a chef that stays there and cooks breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday, which is awesome. So we headed down on friday afternoon and did a little hike once we got up there to waste some time before dinner. We got attacked by a thousand horse fly's and I fell in a river. Not too enjoyable. But then we went back for dinner and ohhhh....my heavens....that chef is a genius. Salad and freshly made bread for an appetizer, marinated pork tenderloin, mashed red potatoes and steamed cauliflower for our main course and tiramisu for desert. Fantastic. I'll go back just for the food.

The next day we had to guide teach us how to fly fish. There is an area called six lakes, with actually seven lakes, where we learned. We fished on four different lakes and I caught two fish and justin caught three. Sooo exciting! I mean, I really don't like fishing, I'm not even an outdoorsie kind of person but it was so exciting to catch a fish. I was the first one to and mine ended up being the biggest too. I was pretty ecstatic, to say the least. We ended up fishing for like six hours. And we had to option to go home whenever we wanted but time actually went by fast. Came home to Teriyaki flank steak, grilled zuccini and a baked potatoe and rhubarb pie a la mode. Awesome. (As you can probably tell, I got pretty excited about the food) The next day we went to Rock creak damn which was overflowing this time of year and was really cool to watch. Then we hiked the trail past it. We hiked in hopes of reaching the grandfather lakes. We hike almost seven hours total! We should have done a little more research before attempting this hike. It was beautiful anyways but the grandfather lakes were about eight miles away and we hike a little over six. If I would have known this we would have kept going but oh well. Another day. Salmon, asparagus, potatoes and new york cheese cake with wild berry compote. AMAZING.

The following day, and my favorite day, we had a guide scheduled to take us down the Green River. This was soooo much fun. I would do this again and again and again..... Fly fishing on a river is a complete different game. So relaxing, super enjoyable, don't have to be awesome at casting. And I caught a whopping 14 fish, with Justin bringing in the tail at 8. HAHAHAHAHA. It was pretty funny actually, the guide was like super impatient with Justin and basically only helped me. And Justin accidently hit him twice with the lead waiter when he casting. The guy looked pissed. hahaha funny though. We got home so late that we got some Cafe Rio on the way through Vernal. Why does Vernal have a Rio and we don't? The next day we just ate breakfast and headed home. I was so excited to see James. Luckily we were so busy that I didn't really have much time to think about James. I swear he had gotten bigger since the last time I saw him. Which (side note) probably isn't so because James has actually lost weight since his 15 month appointment. He is now in the 1st percentile for weight at 19 lbs. I swear I'm not starving him. He eats more than me some times but still he only fits in 12 month old clothes. Oh well, guess he didn't have much chance at being very big.


Overall, it was great for us to get away. After this I realize how necessary it is to go on an anniversary trip. Couples need it to reconnect and talk and just get out of the routine. Not to mention our romantic area of life has been ON IT last two and a half weeks ;) We will always go on an anniversary trip from now on. Even if its just to stay at a family cabin or go camping. I feel so in line with him again, like our thoughts are the same. Though part of me feels like it was yesterday that we got married, the the other part of me feels like we have been married longer than that. We have been together for five years. The end of may it was five years. Now, that is a long time. Being with Justin is all I have ever really known. And he becomes more and more the person I want to be with everyday. He has really evolved into this amazing person. When we were first dating I think a good portion of the attraction was the bad boy, rebel attitude and look he had. His confidence and complete indifference for anything anyone thought of him. He made me feel fearless like he was. But as childhood and high school and immaturity has gone I realize how much I respect him. How much he actually influences me towards what is right, when I thought that would never be the case. I thought I would always have to be the example, the moral compass, the instigator of personal growth but he is just as much of a mentor to me as I try to be to him. I look around at so many other people who got pregnant before they got married and realize how lucky I am. So many of the fathers just aren't motivated to better themselves, refuse to get jobs or go to school. So many aren't even involved or lend any help and support to the mothers. I can't help but feel undeservingly blessed. Blessed to be married to someone that I know through and through. Blessed to be supported and loved by him. Blessed to be in a family of love, faith, and opportunity. Blessed to be in a such a safe community of truly good people. Blessed to be in a church of forgiveness, understanding, order and truth. So Blessed. Justin is truly my other half. I love him more than I knew how. Happy Anniversary Justin. I love you.