Month 1

The first month of my pregnancy has passed and to be perfectly honest it hasn't really hit me yet. For two months straight getting pregnant was all I could think about. I obsessed over it, talked about it, dreamed about it so now that I am, the stress is off. Even though we actually tried this time, pregnancy (and the fact that I'm carrying someone that at their birth I'll feel I've known them forever) is as illusive as the first time. Not to say I'm not feeling any symptoms. Tender boobs, irritablilty, early preg. fatigue and HELLO frequent urination, I almost forgot about you. No sickness though yet, thankfully. Maybe I'll get lucky again. And I'm excited. Still soooo excited but for some reason it doesn't quite feel real yet. I suppose it will hit me when I first feel life, or maybe when I go in for my first prenatal visit, somtime between 8 and 12 weeks. They wont take you before then and it's suggested you go in by your 13th week. I've been walking everyday and have been trying to be as active as I have time. I want this to be a fit pregnancy. I mean I always ate really healthy through my last pregnancy but I wasn't really able to be fit between school and work. That's one thing I'm really grateful for this time. With James I went to school for seven and a half hours then worked for four to five hours. I was leaving home by eight a.m. and not getting home until after ten p.m. sometimes. I did that for a whole summer. I totally forgot about that. And surprisingly I wasn't bothered by it. Looking back I don't remember feeling sorry for myself when if I had to do that now I know I'd be complaining. I only did that for about three months but still...Then it was just school until I took some time off. I guess I'm just spoiled now. I get to stay at home and be a mom. Be crafty and cook and play little kid games. I know that in this day and age that role of motherhood is slightly looked down on. Not that we don't think mothers are great. Just that being a stay at home mom, not going on to get a masters, not pursuing a prestigious career looks a lot less glamourous. Less sophisticated. Less educated. When in all reality saying that motherhood is not prestigious, doesn't take sophistication, doesn't consist of furthered education is really laughable and makes me angry to think that people look down on such a crucial role. And yet I know some of these thoughts crossed my own mind not two years ago. Obviously my mind has been changed. I have read more meaningful books, done more important research, created more lasting memories, built stronger family bonds in the past two years than I did in the eighteen proceeding it. James is my life. He is what is important and what motivates me. I love him more than I thought my heart could handle. And I can think of no greater calling, career or cause than getting to raise him and my future children. Mothers build the future, because they raise the people who create it. I am so excited for my new little baby, to bring another person into this world. June 11th seems much too far away.

P.S. Now that I'm off my raw-raw motherhood rant I wanted to note that I don't intend to offend anyone that choose alternatives to my life choice. That was simply my appreciation and opinion in the situation and place I am in my life at the present moment.

Baby Number TWO!!!!

This has been the longest two months of my life. I kept thinking, next time we're going to start trying before we actually think we're ready because, when you're ready you just want to be pregnant now. Finding out about other pregnancies were exciting but slightly painful. Even at this young age you are filled with worries of fertility problems. After the first failed attempt I was feeling pretty bad for myself, because to be perfectly honest. I was positive I was pregnant. Looking back I suppose I just wanted to be pregnant so badly that I made myself believe I was this incredilbly intuned mother who could tell when her stomach contained an embryo smaller than the eye can see. So when my period came right on schedule I was incredibly disappointed. Then I felt selfish. I started to get mad at myself for being so impatient. Here it was only a little over a month since I had my IUD taken out and I was feeling all bad for myself. On average it takes a person a full year to concieve. A FULL YEAR! And I wasn't patient enough to wait a couple months. Nevertheless, I was still heart broken. So the following month I decided that what happened happened and I wasn't going to get my hopes up this time. I wasn't going to let myself worry or think about it, or count down the days until my next scheduled period. In fact I convinced myself the whole month that I was not pregnant. I didn't feel like it, I didn't look like it. Nothing. So I wasn't pregnant. Then for the whole week following my next period (which I wasn't keeping track of, right?) Me and Justin got along awful. Especially awful considereing how much sex we were having. My ovulating week we had sex sooo much that I was in physical pain for four or five days afterwards and even had to put a cream on. And I don't even get sore anymore, I've had a BABY! Anyways so we got along awful and Justin kept playing it off as you must be pregnant, you must be pregnant, you are emotional, depressed, naggy and tired all the time. But of course I wasn't going to let myself believe it. So the fateful day came. October 3rd. No period. I had purchased pregnancy tests for just such an occasion. You are supposed to pee on the stick for Ten second. I was worried that I wouldn't pee for the full ten seconds and it says AT LEAST ten so I peed in a cup instead. The results came slow and the lines were painfully vague. Not a dark pink plus at all but it sure was a plus. I left the test alone and decided I would try another test later but I was hopeful. One hour later I was ready to pee again.....This time the results came quick. The test DID say the results could come as fast as sixty seconds. I think mine were faster than that. There it was! A perfect pink plus! I was shaking. I was ecstatic. Nothing could ruin this day. Nothing did. I am proud to announce that my beautiful little baby number TWO is on the way. Due on June 11th. What a perfect date. So after doing a little hair today I squeezed  in every minute of research I could do on my new little sunshine. I found out that doctors actually go off  the first day of my last period for the date my baby was concieved? Weird. So in doctors terms, my baby is already four weeks old when my calculated ovulation week would place him at only two weeks old. Why couldn't they just go off of the first day of your guestimated ovulation calculation. No idea. That's how it is though. But supposedly my baby is the size of a sesame seed. My little sesame seed.

I am so happy! I don't think I'll get to sleep tonight, dreaming of what my baby will be. I cannot wait to meet my little sesame seed.